Neilby (jonassen) wrote in neil_primrose,

I feel bad.

This community is like a ghost town... or ghost community. So I figured I'll post something.

Who remembers The Groovy Dougie Fan Club? I do! I used to write fan fictions. (Yes, let's get the groaning out of the way and do it all as a collective group. The louder the better.)However, since there's been a lack of posts then why not post a few? At least it's something. Now remember that all these stories are very dated. One includes Carson Daly from TRL. It was all written like four or five years ago.

The first one I wrote was "Travis in South Park." Obviously very old. It looks as if the FCC or Kevin Nealon wrote it.

Just imagine if Travis got stuck in South Park, like the gross animated show. Also it'll help if you can imagine Travis looking like South Park characters. I smile every time I imagine Neil as a two dimensional South Park character!

[Travis's tour bus is going through South Park to go to perform a show in Colorado when suddenly the engine overheats. Travis are woken up from the noise]
Dougie: What on earth was that noise?!
Neil: I dunno. Let's check.
[Before they can check what happened their driver comes in.]
Driver: Sorry mates. The engine suddenly overheated.
Fran: Really?! We've got a show tonight!
Andy: How long is it going to take to fix it?
Driver: Can't say. You guys better take a walk, it'll take awhile.
Dougie: Yea, I think I'm getting dizzy from the fumes.
[Neil, Fran, & Andy agree.]
[All of them head out into town and arrive in the suburban neighbourhood where the South Park boys live: Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, & Stan.]
Fran: It's a nice, small town.
Andy: Hey, I think we should ask the locals for some help. Maybe if there's a car shop around town.
Dougie: Good idea. How about we ask one of the people who live in that house?
[Dougie points to Stan's house.]
Andy: Alright.
Neil: I don't know about you but I would like to get something to eat.
Fran: Yea, I'd also like to explore this place for awhile. That alright with you guys?
Dougie: Yea, sure. We'll meet back at the bus, ok?
[All of our lovely Travis men agree to meet later at the bus. Andy and Dougie head towards Stan's house while Fran and Neil go into town.]

[Kyle, Cartman, and Stan are watching MTV2 when the news report from oh, let's say Kurt Loder. It's something about Travis but Stan turns off the telly.]
Stan: Who the heck are Travis?
Cartman: I dunno but turn on the TV so we can watch some (insert your own expletive here, please) Terrence and Philip!
Kyle: Shut up Cartman!
[The doorbell rings and Stan opens the door and who should be standing in the doorway? Our lovely Dougie and Andy!]
Stan: Who the heck are you?
[Dougie and Andy stare at each other blankly then face Stan.]
Dougie: I'm Dougie and [pointing to Andy] this is Andy.
Andy: Hullo.
Kyle: [Walks up to Dougie and Andy] Have we met before? Your faces looks familiar.
Andy: Well, we're in the band Travis. You may have heard of us before.
Stan: Wow! We just saw you on tv, well before I turned it off.
[Dougie and Andy stare at each other again.]
Kyle: Are you space aliens?
Dougie: [Shocked] No!
Stan: Then why do you talk so funny?
Andy: [Laughs] We're from Scotland.
Stan: [Beckoning them in] Oh, then come on in.
Kyle: [Whispering to Stan] Are you nuts? We don't know them! They might want to kill us!
Stan: No, they're not. They just talk funny that's all. Anyways they're in a rock band!
[Stan and Kyle take Dougie and Andy into the living room where they are greeted by Cartman, sort of.]
Cartman: [Looking at Dougie & Andy] Who the (obscenity here) are you guys?
Dougie: [Shocked again] I'm Dougie and this is Andy. We're in a band called Travis.
Cartman: Well, sit down then! You're blocking the (curse word) tv. I'm trying to watch Terrence and Philip!
[Everybody sits down quickly. Kyle & Stan sit on the couch with Cartman while Dougie & Andy are on the floor.]
Andy: [Noticing the box of Cheesy Puffs] What are these?
Kyle: Oh, those are Cheesy Puffs.
Dougie: Cheesy Puffs?
Stan: Yea, go and try some.
Andy: [Chewing the puff] Not bad. Try some, Dougie.
Dougie: [Takes a puff from Andy & pops it into his mouth] Hey, this isn't half bad at all.
[Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Dougie, and Andy sit watching Terrence and Philip while eating Cheesy Puffs.]

[Fran and Neil separated from each other. Fran heads off to the local pub. Neil goes to the local shoppe.]
Neil: [Looking at the candy bar selection] Hmm… Snickers, Toffee… They all look so good.
[Suddenly Kenny enters the store and his eyes meets Neil's eyes.]
Neil: Hullo.
Kenny: Mmmfff. Hmmmfff. Ummmfff*
*Literally that's what Kenny says!
Neil: [For some strange reason understands] Oh, hi Kenny. My name's Neil. Would you like some candy?
Kenny: Ummfff. Smmmmff. Hmmmmhmmm.*
*Look, I'm not good at this. Just go with it.
Neil: Really. Well, then I'll take your advice. I'll buy all the candy bars.* Want to share some with me?
*Hey, Neil's rich. He can buy as many candy bars as he wants to.
[Kenny nods. Neil goes and pays for the candy bars in which Neil and Kenny sit outside in front of the shoppe on the curb eating the candy.]

[We find Fran sitting in the local pub. Unfortunately, he sits between Jimbo and Mr. Garrison.]
Fran: [While holding his drink, notices Mr. Hat, the puppet that Mr. Garrison has] What is that?
Mr. Garrison: Excuse me?
Fran: That thing on your hand. What is it, a puppet?
Mr. Garrison: [Offended] For your information, you Brit, this is Mr. Hat! And he likes to be treated with respect!
Fran: [Confused] Alright. Sorry about that mate. No hard feelings. [Tries hard to ignore Mr. Hat.]
Jimbo: [Whispers to Fran] Don't worry about him. He's just messed up.
Mr. Garrison: No, I'm not!
Jimbo: Yes, you are!
[Jimbo and Mr. Garrison continue to argue whilst Fran is hopelessly caught in the middle. He tries to get away but Mr. Garrison keeps swinging Mr. Hat around which keeps punching him on the head.]

[Back at Stan's house.]
Andy: So the whole point of Terrence and Philip is that these two guys keep farting and insulting at each other?
Cartman: Yea, that's it.
Dougie: That's bloody brillant.
Cartman: Yup. [Notices that all the Cheesy Puffs are gone] Hey, you (bad word) ate all the (another bad word) Cheesy Puffs!
Andy & Dougie: [With their lips and fingers covered in orange powder] Huh?
Kyle: Get a grip Cartman. We could always buy another box. Anyways you're fat enough as it is!
Cartman: [Mumbling] Man, they ate all my Cheesy Puffs! I want my Cheesy Puffs….
Stan: [To Dougie & Andy] Why did you guys come here to South Park anyways?
Dougie: Oh, man! We forgot! We were supposed to ask you if you knew if there was a mechanic around here.
Andy: See, our tour bus got overheated and we have a gig tonight so we thought we could ask you for help.
Dougie: Do you know anyone that could help us?
Stan: Well, when we need some help we go to this guy…
Andy: Great! Can we go to him now?
Stan: Sure, follow us!
[All of them except Cartman, who still resents Dougie and Andy for eating all the Cheesy Puffs, get up and start to leave.]
Kyle: Cool. Chef's house here we come!
Andy & Dougie: [Glancing at each other] Chef?

[Back to Neil and Kenny who are still in front of the shoppe with chocolate on their lips.]
Neil: [Laughing hysterically) Oh, that was a great joke Kenny! [Wipes a tear from his eye] Man, I don't think I ever laughed so hard in my life!
Kenny: Mmmmfff. Hmmmmhmmhmf.
Neil: [Chuckles] No more jokes, please! My sides hurt!
Kenny: Mmmfff.
Neil: [Seriously] Kenny, I have something to tell you.
Kenny: Mmmmffff. Hmmmhmm.
Neil: I know we've only known each other for a short time but I feel a connection to you somehow. Like we're brothers or something.
Kenny: Mmmfff!
Neil: You too? Wow. You know what, Kenny? I want you to join the band. I don't know what instrument you'll play but I'll find something for you to do. And I'm sure the guys will love you too.
Kenny: Mmmfff. Hmmmffff. Mummmfff.
Neil: No, no. The guys will love you. Dougie, Andy, and Fran will get along great with you. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if they loved you as much as I do. But you know what?
Kenny: Hmm?
Neil: They'll never love you more than I do. You're like the brother I never had.
Kenny: [Pats Neil's back] Hhmmfff. Ummmfff.
Neil: I love you too, man!

[Fran still between Jimbo and Mr. Garrison's dispute at the pub.]
Fran: [Thinking to himself] I've got to get out of here. That Mr. Hat is bruising my head with the way Mr. Garrison is flinging him around.
Mr. Garrison: [Shouting & angry] Shut up Jimbo!
Jimbo: [Equally angry and loud] That stupid Mr. Hat is fake, Garrison. Get with reality!
Mr. Garrison: You take that back (inappropriate word here) Jimbo or else Mr. Hat will have to fight you!
Jimbo: Bring it on!
[Mr. Garrison swings Mr Hat hard but instead of hitting Jimbo he hits Fran, who was stealthily trying to leave, and knocks him unconscious. Fran hopelessly falls to the floor.]
Jimbo: Uh oh.

[Kyle, Stan, Dougie, & Andy arrive at Chef's door. Stan reaches to knock on the door when suddenly beautiful women open the door and leave Chef's house.]
Beautiful Women: Bye Chef! Thanks for the great night!
[Dougie & Andy stare at all the beautiful women leaving.]
Kyle: Those are just some of Chef's friends.
Dougie: Where in the world did he meet "friends" like those?
Stan: He says at the culinary fairs he goes too.
Andy: [Whispers to Dougie] Remind me to take up cooking.
Dougie: We'll both learn how to cook.
[They enter Chef's house and are greeted by Chef who has a robe on.]
Chef: Hi children. [Notices the two strangers] And…uh…who are you?
Andy: I'm Andy and this is Dougie. We're in a band called Travis.
Chef: [Extremely shocked and worried] Oh…
Stan: They need help with their tour bus.
Kyle: Yea, it overheated but they have a show tonight and we thought they could use your help.
Chef: OK then. Let's go! [Heads out towards the door.]
Dougie: Wait a minute. Don't you want to change out of your robe? It's a wee cold out there!
Chef: [Notices he still has his robe on and I'll let you use your imagination of what's underneath] No, that's alright. The important thing is that we get you back on the road ASAP.
Dougie: [Shrugs] Alright. I was just checking.
[All of them head out towards the tour bus.]

[Back at the pub where everyone's focus is on poor Fran Healy who has been knocked unconscious on the floor by Mr. Hat.]
Mr. Garrison: Bad Mr. Hat! Bad, bad Mr. Hat!
Jimbo: Will you shut up?
Mr. Garrison: [Defensive] You want a piece of me?
Jimbo: Later. We've got to get this man to a hospital.
Mr. Garrison: Alright. But after that we'll fight to the death.
Jimbo: Whatever. Look will someone call the ambulance?

[Kenny and Neil are having a great time laughing. Kenny stands up in the middle of the street to do a rock star impression. Neil laughs happily. When suddenly an ambulance, which was going to the pub for Fran, runs over Kenny and kills him! Hey, you knew it had to happen.]
Neil: [Screaming] Kenny! Oh my God, they killed Kenny! [Shouts at the ambulance] You bastards! [Sobs] No… I just found the brother I never had. [Stands up and with a cold stare of revenge] They will pay for what they have done to Kenny!
[Neil walks down the street where the ambulance was headed. He is a lone figure heading into the sunset…until a car drives by nearly hitting him.]
Neil: Oh shite! I better use the sidewalk before I suffer the same fate as Kenny.
[Neil walks on the sidewalk heading towards the bar, deeper and deeper into the sunset.]

[Kyle, Chef, Stan, Dougie & Andy are at the bus. Chef is desperately trying to help the driver to fix the bus.]
Andy: Thanks for helping us…uh…Chef.
Dougie: Yea, we really apreciate it.
Chef: [Unresponsive] Uh huh. Whatever.
[Dougie & Andy glance at each other.]
Dougie: We're kind of hungry so if you don't mind…erm…Chef we'll go into town to buy some food.
Chef: [Happy to hear they're leaving for a short while] Oh, yea! Go ahead. You know there's a bar here at the opposite side of town that serves great meals!
Stan: But Chef that place doesn't serve food.
Kyle: Yea, the only food there is the complimentary peanuts.
Chef: Hush children! Don't listen to them…uhh…
Dougie: I'm Dougie and he's Andy. [Andy smiles and waves at Chef.]
Andy: Remember me?
Chef: Uh… yea. The boys never been to the bar so they wouldn't know about it.
Stan: Yes I do. My Uncle Jimbo goes there all the time…
Chef: [Interrupts] Hush! So you go on over there, ok? And take your time.
Dougie: Alright. Thank you.
Chef: You're welcome.
[Dougie & Andy leave towards the pub. The boys turn to Chef.]
Kyle: Why are you so mean to them, Chef?
Chef: Children I'll tell you a secret, they're competition for my beautiful women.
Stan: Huh?
Chef: Children, women love musicians expecially successful ones. Worse of all they have accents and women love accents. And those are some sexy men too. Especially the one called Dougie.*
*No offense to Andy at all. But this is for the GDFC so I had to write it.
Kyle & Stan: Oh…

[All of Travis are at the pub. Dougie and Andy are horrified to see Fran lying on the floor unconscious. Neil is also concerned, temporarily forgetting about Kenny's demise.]
Andy: Dear Lord! What happened to Fran?
Mr. Garrison: I'm afraid Mr. Hat hit him by accident.
Dougie: Who's Mr. Hat…
Neil: [Interrupts] Don't ask! It's a long story. [Points to Mr. Hat on Mr. Garrison's hand and whispers the word "crazy". Dougie & Andy nod.]
Mr. Garrison: What was that?
Neil, Andy & Dougie: Nothing.
Dougie: What will we do about Fran?
Andy: [Looks at watch] The show is a few hours away. By the looks of it he's just unconscious. We'll get him on the bus and try to wake him up with one of Neil's old socks.
[Andy & Dougie laugh but quickly notices Neil tearing up.]
Neil: [As he runs out of the bar] Kenny!
[Andy & Dougie glance at each other.]
Dougie: What has gotten into Neil?!
Andy: Beats me.
[Andy & Dougie carry out Fran. All of Travis arrive at the bus where Chef and the driver fixed the bus.]
Andy: Great! You guys fixed the bus!
Dougie: Hey Andy don't drop Fran! Remember you're holding his head!
Andy: Oh yea! I forgot.
[Neil holds the door for Andy & Dougie as they carry Fran into the bus. Once they get in Neil goes to the back of bus and sulks.]
Dougie: Thanks Stan, Kyle, and Chef. You've been a great help to us.
Andy: Yea, and tell the fat boy…uh…I knew he had a name…
Dougie: Um… wasn't it Fartman or something like that?
Andy: Who on earth would name their kid "Fartman"?
Dougie: It was just a guess.
Stan: Cartman.
Andy: Oh yea, Cartman. Well, tell him that we're sorry for eating all those Cheesy Puffs.
Kyle: Don't worry about it.
Dougie: You know maybe one day we'll return to South Park…
Chef: [Surprised] Oh no, no, no. We wouldn't want to trouble you…
Andy: Oh no trouble at all. We would like to visit South Park again someday.
[Back of the bus Fran wakes up screaming "No!!" upon hearing the idea that they'll return to South Park. Neil tries to calm Fran down who keeps screaming, "No Mr. Hat!" repeatedly.]
Dougie: I guess we better go. Bye.
Andy: Yea, we can't thank you enough.
[Everyone says goodbye and Travis set off to another show leaving South Park…forever?]
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